Hello, friends, family, loved ones, people I tolerate for my own amusement and others….
I have a very painful confession, but I confess this not to gain sympathy or perhaps your scorn, but rather a confession that is only a real confession if express it in the public world of the interwebs.
For the last year, I have been playing The Kim Kardashian Hollywood game. Of course, I have been playing slowly in my very typical gaming fashion where I play something a lot and then get bored and just stop. For proof, I point you in the direction of my dying Farmville crops and pigs and chickens and cows that have probably turned into someone’s fake dinner. There’s a point that I reach in every game that I just decide I no longer want to be part of it, those moments come when a level is too hard to beat (please see Candy Crush Level 245…..and if you see it, please beat it for me) or if I decide a game of Words with Friends is taking much too long (my apologies to all the people whom I have played with, it’s not that I mean to ghost you, it’s just that I’ve lost interest).
See, my preferred computer games are the ones where I can just press a few buttons and move on with my life and Kim Kardashian’s game fits that perfectly.
So here are a few of the things I have learned while falling down the rabbit hole that is the Kim Kardashian game:
- The feelings of jealousy that emerge when you realize that your fake Kim Kardashian character is far more wealthy than you and owns more houses and fancy clothes than you. Oh, there’s that moment when you buy your beachfront home in Mexico or your excessively large loft in New York–both of which you never go to—while wondering if it is at all possible to forgo eating for a week where you think….well, nothing all that important really ’cause it’s the Kim Kardashian game and thinking is not an option.
- When you go on a date, the guy is truly interested in how you look….and having you pay for stuff. They’re also excessively needy. They call constantly and question whether or not you really like them, while you are paying for everything. Basically, you kinda feel like the guy on the date with a crazy girl. You are often tempted to look for the button option that suggests your date grow a pair but unfortunately, no….you just get “kissing” and “hugging”.
- Your agent, Simon, is also excessively needy. You cannot leave a restaurant or a building without him calling you to tell you to go somewhere. Sometimes he will have you come to his office in Los Angeles from where ever you are in the world to then tell you to go back to that location. Maybe he’s lonely, he’s definitely got a lot of free time on his hands.
- When in fashion shows or photo shoots or parties, it’s normal to just stand and appear bored. I cannot tell you the number of times I learned in my grad school psych classes that the key to excellent social skills is to just stand there and look at your nails and touch your non-moving hair a lot. On that note though, apparently, it takes a lot of energy to stand and the longer the event, the longer amount of time it takes to complete because it takes so much energy which is where I lose interest.
- Plane tickets are incredibly cheap. A ticket to Florence is $15 but a ticket to San Francisco is $90. So the lesson that Kim Kardashian is teaching us is that it is cheaper to fly to another country than it is to fly to a city within the United States. On that note, for some reason in the Kardashian game, if you are in Los Angeles and you want to go to Malibu, you have to fly there. I didn’t realize Malibu was so far away. If you’re in Milan, it’s $85 to fly to Florence….although it doesn’t matter where you are in the world, it will always be $85 to go to Florence. So math and geography are not Kardashian strong suits.
- Life is about photo shoots, parties, film shoots and….well, standing. It’s also about clothing. No bills need to be paid, you never need to eat food or you could just press a button that says you’re eating food while you stand and act bored….although, sometimes you do get to sit and look bored so there is some variety.
- You do all these photo shoots, but you never get to see any of the finished product. What if I want to know how my fake character person looked when they were super bored? How do these photos and these films end up? You get to press buttons that say that you get to say stuff but I never get to hear what I actually said or what was actually said because really what’s important is your ability to stand and look at stuff.
- Parties=life. Never once is one of the options to stay home and watch Netflix. You must always be seen and you must always look good because apparently wearing pajamas with last night’s dinner stains on them is not an acceptable way to go through life. Although, a Kardashian party sounds rather sad actually, you stand and no one talks to you but you can always press a button that says people are talking to you. I think I’ve been to parties like this….
- Mean Girls. See, I’ve always liked those mindless games where you don’t interact with mean people but in Kardashian world, there is a mean girl named, Willow Page….I know….who looks suspiciously like Paris Hilton and she just says mean things about you but there’s never any background to this. You meet her in the beginning and then she just decides she’s gonna be mean, which does happen in real life. Random crazy people who just decide to be mean because they’re random and crazy but then get away from my fake game and let me continue to stand in peace!
- No intelligence needed to live in Kardashian world. There’s no strategy because you don’t need one, you become ridiculously wealthy simply by pressing buttons. There are no candy combinations or farms or mines that you need to craft. No one is at war except the war of who can look the most awesome and also you can leave places that you’re working at in order to find money and extra lives hidden in plants all over the world. I tried that in real life once. I found used gum and a cigarette butt with lipstick stains. Work ethic isn’t even a thing either, but digging in shrubbery for lose change is totally awesome.
So here it is folks, my painful Wednesday confession. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am currently standing around in Malibu waiting to gain enough energy so I can take a $35 plane ride to New York.